


I Fall Apart

by legolifesaver



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Bad Coping Methods, Gen, Grief, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Mention of Character Death, its sad and angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-05-12 21:24:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5681299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legolifesaver/pseuds/legolifesaver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Look at my son...Pride is not the word I'm looking for..." </p><p>In the aftermath of Phillip's death, Alexander Hamilton, the level-headed politician, is plagued by visions of his son that become more and more real. </p><p>(Sort of a N2N au but not really)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Outshone the Morning Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy! feel free to comment, or contact me throught tumblr (legolifesaver) or email me at dylanwriter123@gmail.com 
> 
>  
> 
> also sorry for angst

 It was quiet at home. The usual laughter, the bickering, the sound of piano being played off-key had dissipated into an awful silence. It was the type of silence that made Alexander want to scream nonsense at the top of his lungs, just to fight it. It was the type of silence that drowned Eliza until she couldn't breathe. It was the type of silence that was almost tangible. 

 

 It was the type of silence that meant Phillip was gone. 

 

A gun had sliced through him and shattered his life like glass. It was a shot that every Hamilton, and everyone close to the Hamiltons, felt. 

 In the depressing aftermath a few days later, Alexander found himself in his room, a picture of Phillip clutched tightly in his hands. The thunderous storm outside was the only thing louder his choked sobs. 

 "Phillip..." The name ghosted his lips, he spoke the name silently, carefully, as if the name itself was too fragile to say above a whisper.

 The picture of his eldest son did nothing more than smile back at him. It was a photo from the day Phillip went off to college. He looked wide-eyed and brilliant, the intelligence and wonder that shone in his face was all too reminiscent of Alexander. Though when studying the photo, he couldn't doubt Phillip's dark eyes were the same beautiful eyes that belonged to Eliza. 

 "Alex," He felt a hand land on his shoulder and he jumped. Eliza looked at him with concern. 

 "Sorry I scared you." She said. She was sitting on the bed next to him,  _ How long was she there?  _ Was Alex's first thought.  _ How long was I here?  _ Was his second. 

 The couple sat in silence. At Least, until Eliza spoke again.

 "Remember holding him for the first time?" She asked, her voice thick and her eyes fixed on the picture. 

 Alexander smiled at the memory. 

 "He...he was so small. I was afraid to hold him." 

 "I never thought you could be afraid."

* * *

 

 

 "Pops, pops wake up," A familiar voice caused Hamilton to jerk awake. He didn't remember falling asleep. He looked next to him, Eliza was sleeping soundly with the occasional twitch in her face that made Alex wonder what she was dreaming about. The he looked at the clock on the nightstand, the digital blue numbers read 3:49 AM.

 "Pops, can you hear me?" The voice said again. Alex rubbed his eyes as they adjusted in the dark. 

 

_ Phillip.  _

 

His freckled face was illuminated by the digital clock as he sat on the edge of the bed. 

"Phillip," He said. Hot tears rushed down his cheeks. 

 "Hi pops," Phillip smiled. 

Alexander reached out towards his son's hand. It felt so real. 

_ It couldn't be real.  _

His son's hand felt warm and solid and  _ real.  _ Why should he bother denying it if it felt so  _ real? _

 "Phillip I miss you," Alexander's voices cracked with a sob. 

  "I miss you, too pops. And mom. And everyone. That's why I'm back." Phillip's smile seemed to glow and Alexander felt undone. 

 He pulled him into a hug and could feel his son's weight resting against him, but he was careful with his embraced. He felt so afraid to hold him. Alex pressed a kiss to the top of Phillip's head. 

 "Just promise you won't go." 

 "I won't pops, I won't."

 

"Alexander, who are you talking to?" He heard Eliza ask in a groggy voice. Alex looked over at her, he opened his mouth to say  _ "It's Phillip, Eliza could you believe that Phillip is back? He's here! He's not going away."  _ But before he could even get a syllable out, the weight of Phillip in his arms dissipated. He looked back, and Phillip was gone. 

 

_ But it felt so real,  _ He thought before curling in on himself and breaking down into gasping sob. He could feel Eliza's arms around him. 

  
_It felt too real._


	2. When The Words Don't Reach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliza carries a weight too heavy to handle, and Alexander digs a deeper hole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy y'all! Sorry for even more sad. I appreciate everyone who reads this. Also you can contact me on tumblr @ legolifesaver or email me @ dylanwriter123@gmail.com
> 
> have a great day!

Alexander woke up gasping for air. After he fell back asleep last night, he felt a weight pressing down on him, not the comforting weight of Phillip in his arms, but the crushing weight of something trying to force the air out of his lungs. 

 He dreamed in melody instead of images. He could hear the notes of a piano, the obvious mistakes in tune, and the repetition. 

 The sound was still loudly ringing in his ear as he woke up, a choked noise coming from him. Alexander gulped down air but it felt like it simply flowed out of him. Never enough. 

  "Alexander!" Eliza's voice weaved through the sound of piano in Alex's head and reached him. He could feel her hand on his as she sat next to him. 

  Eliza was talking again, and Alexander could hear her, but he wasn't listening to her. He felt bad. She's been so busy trying to calm him down, and calm the kids down, these past couple of days. He wish he could calm  _ her  _ down. 

 Instead of responding to Eliza, he got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. He hadn't realize how much of mess he was beginning to look like until he saw his reflection. Dark circles, much darker than usual, hung under his eyes, almost dragging his whole face down with them. His eyes were bloodshot and his lips were chapped. Alexander's dark hair that was always kept in perfect neatness had become matted and tangled. 

 Alexander Hamilton looked nothing like himself, mostly because he didn't  _ feel  _ like himself. 

 He wonders if part of him was buried with his son. 

* * *

  
  


  "How do you feel?" Adrienne asked. She was sitting on end of the couch in the Hamilton's family room, Lafayette on the other, and Eliza curled in between them. Lafayette was rubbing soothing circles into the Eliza's back. 

 "Awful. I don't have control over anything, anymore." She let out a strangled sob that she couldn't withhold. 

 "I'm helpless." She whispered. 

Her oldest was dead, her other six children were all in various states of grief, each with their own coping mechanism, many borderlining on unhealthy. Her husband was acting like he existed in another universe. And she just felt so tired trying to be strong for everyone when she could barely be strong for herself. 

 Adrienne carded her fingers through Eliza's long hair.

   "You're not helpless. You're just human. And right now you're going through the unimaginable." Adrienne continued to softly pet Eliza's hair. 

 She had taken great comfort with Lafayette and Adrienne in the aftermath of Phillip's death. They both know what it's like to lose a child. 

 "When Henriette died, I thought the world ended. And in a way it did." Lafayette squeezed Eliza's arm as a way of comfort. 

 "You know,  _ mon cher,  _ it isn't...this is not a thing that is ever over. It's not a pain you recover from. It is a pain you learn to live with." They wrapped an arm around Eliza and hugged her, tightly. 

 "I'm so sorry," They said in a quiet voice. "Adri and I love you and Alex and Phillip and your whole family. We're always here if and when you need us. "

 Eliza allowed herself to smile. "I love you guys," She wiped away tears that coated her cheeks.

* * *

 

 Angie was in her room, reading, though Eliza doubted she was  _ actually  _ reading, because every time she checked on her, she was staring at the same page. 

Alex Jr. and James were busying themselves with Lego sets, building and dismantling and rebuilding Hogwarts, the Millennium Falcon, and the Eiffel Tower.                                                     

William was listening to music, loudly, with headphones on and biting his nails. He sported band-aids on several fingers because he had ended up ripping the nail bed. 

 And the two youngest, John and Eliza-Holly, too young to fully understand death, sat in their room watching slightly violent cartoons. 

 Meanwhile, Eliza was crocheting, something she hadn't done in awhile, it felt nice to do it again. Though, she wasn't really good at it, and she wasn't even sure what she was making. A scarf? A hat, maybe? If you turned it sideways, it could be a pillow case. 

 Eliza jumped in her seat slightly when she felt someone kiss the top of her head, startling her. Alexander sat down next to her. He kissed her cheek. She noticed that he looked better. He showered and brushed his hair and changed his clothes, he was even smiling. 

 "What are you making?" He asked, pointing to the jumbled pile of loose yarn stitches in his wife's lap. 

 Eliza shrugged. "It could be a blanket. Sort of." 

The unbelievable happened then, they were  _ laughing _ . 

  "So what have you been doing?" Eliza asked.

 Alexander took out his phone, opening his contacts. 

 "I keep on trying to call Phillip but he won't answer, have you talked to him today?" Alexander asked. 

 At first Eliza thought it was some sick, sarcastic joke, but she could the seriousness in him, the genuine wonder as to why their son won't answer the phone. 

 "Alexander..." 

Eliza could've sworn she felt her heart stop.


	3. We Rise (And We Fall)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander begins to loose himself as his once top-notch brain contradicts itself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! thank you for reading, this chapter is a lil short and kinda cliffhangery but ill have two chapters up this weekend!

__ Alexander didn't know how long he had been sitting on the couch, but it had apparently been long enough to turn the full cup of hot coffee in his hands cold. 

_ "Alexander, you don't remember?"  _

_ "Remember what? Is Phillip okay?" _

_ "He was killed last week..." _

_ "Eliza! Eliza, why didn't you tell me? Eliza!" _

_ "You don't remember...you were the first person to hear about it. We were both there with him when he..." _

 

He forgot Phillip died. Six days after he watched his own son succumb to an infected bullet wound, Alexander forgot, similar to how he would forget to pick up milk on the way home, or how he sometimes forgets to put on deodorant. 

 "How could I forget that he was gone?" A painful, quiet whisper came from Alex as hot tears rolled down his face. 

  "I'm not gone pops,"

Alexander felt his son's arm wrap around his shoulders, pulling him into a hug. 

_ How could this feel so real of he's dead? _

 

He looked up and saw Phillip's face smiling at him. He was sitting on the arm of the couch, taking up as much space as he did when he was alive. 

 And for a moment, Alexander forgot that he was dead.

_ How can he be dead if this feels so real? _

 

* * *

 

 "I think I'm getting the hang of crocheting," Eliza said, holding up her work-in-progress. It had certainly improved, but was still very crooked, and very  tangled, but it was starting to take a vague shape of a square and that was improvement for Eliza. 

 Alexander took it from her and studied it, smiling. 

 The atmosphere of the household had fallen into an almost-normal. It was the kind of normal that glossed over the elephant-sized tragedy that suffocated the room. 

 "So it's a blanket now?" He asked.

 "Maybe," 

 

"I think it looks nice," Angie said, sitting closer to her mother. 

 "You think _ anything _ looks nice," Phillip said in a teasing tone. 

 

_ Phillip. _

 

He looked over at Alexander. 

"Can they see me?" He asked, genuine concern rising in his voice. 

 Alexander shook his head. 

 "I don't they can," He said. 

Eliza and Angie both looked at him. 

 "What?" Angie looked her father like he was crazy.

 "Why can't they see me?" Phillip waved his hand in front of mom and sister, hoping to catch their attention. 

 "I don't know," Alexander said. 

 

"Who are you talking to?" Eliza asked, though she already knew the answer. 

 Alexander stood up and walked to wear he saw Phillip sitting. 

 "You guys don't see him?" He spoke to Angie and Eliza. 

They both shook their head. Angie looked over at her mother, silently wondering what was wrong with her father. 

 Alexander laughed. 

It was the type of manic laughter that rivaled super-villains. 

 "I'm going crazy," He said, looking his deceased son in the eyes. 

 And he looked into his son's eyes, manically laughing, until the image of his son's eyes melted and he fell backwards, as if the world was pulled from beneath his feet. 

  



	4. The World Turned Upside Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander is recovering, sort of, and Alex Jr wonders and worries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry this is so late i tried to get this in but i was busy w school but i will try my best not to slack off on this
> 
> also irl alex called eliza "betsey" alot and there is a severe lack of that on fanfic so i needed it :3

 Alexander woke up with his head feeling like it was about to crack open. A glorious pair of dark eyes peered down at him. 

_ Eliza. _

"Betsey," He tried to sit up, but his body felt weak. 

 Eliza stroked his hair. 

 "What happened?" He asked, the last thing he remembered was being in his living room with Eliza, Angie, and-

 Phillip. 

 

 "Shh, you're okay, Alexander. You kinda blacked out but you woke up and I got you to bed." Eliza said reassuringly. She was petting his hair, her long fingers combing through Alex's dark locks. The gesture was so simple and tender and sweet, Alex could fall asleep from it. 

 "Betsey," He said. 

 "Yeah?" 

 Alexander sat up, Eliza sat up with him. 

 "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that you have to worry about me." 

 Eliza pulled Alexander into a hug, pressing kisses to his cheek. 

 He sobbed into her shoulder. 

"I just...I keep on  _ seeing  _ him, Eliza," 

"I know."

"I can  _ hear  _ him, and  _ feel  _ him. "

"Shh, I know, I know."

"Sometimes I forget he's gone. And I have to remind myself that he's  _ gone! He's dead! Phillip is dead!'" _

 

Eliza held him with shaking arms until he exhausted himself into sleep. 

 Eliza didn't sleep that night.

* * *

 

  
  


"What's wrong with dad?" Alex Jr. was sitting at the breakfast bar, a house of card intricately built in front of him. 

 "Nothing's wrong with him, sweetie." Eliza smiled forcefully, though she knew that Alex was smart enough to see through it. 

 "He fainted the other day. Mom, what's going on?" Her son had tears in his eyes. Eliza felt guilty, guilty that all of this happening to her family, not only did they lose Phillip, they might be losing Alexander, too. 

 Eliza sat down next to him and said nothing for a while as she helped him build on to the house of cards. 

  Finally, she spoke. "Alex, I wish I had all the answers, but I honestly just don't know. I don't know what's going on." She felt defeated as she said those words, in an instant she went from the family backbone to a broken spine. 

 "Is he going crazy?" Alex Jr turned to face his mom, the suddent movement making the house of cards crumble. 

 "Maybe."

"What's gonna happen to him?"

"I don't know,"


	5. Another Scottish Tragedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliza takes time to grieve, Alexander is making progress, and Adrienne and Gilbert are good babysitters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG ITS BEEN FOREVER! I AM SO SORRY! IVE BEEN BUSY W SCHOOL, BUT NOW THATS ITS SUMMER I CAN WRITE MUCH MORE! IM SO SORRY, PLEASE ENJOY, ALSO I PROMISE THIS FIC WILL GET HAPPY

“I think he should go back to therapy, how do I tell him that?” Eliza said into her cup of coffee. Adrienne and Gilbert were visiting again, the three sitting in the living room. These meetings had become frequent since Phillip’s passing, the couple had let Eliza grieve freely, she was more than grateful. It’s been two weeks since her oldest baby passed away, two weeks since her husband started going crazy, two weeks that felt like two years.  
“Why did he stopped going to therapy in the first place?” Adrienne asked.  
“He said he never felt like it was helping, but now, he needs all the help he can get. I’m trying my best to help him, but I don’t know how. I don’t pretend to know the challenges he’s facing.” Eliza looked down into her cup of black coffee, she could spot her reflection in it, her tired, mangled reflection. She felt Gilbert place their hand on her arm, she looked at them.  
“You need to take a break from everything, alright? We’ll stay here, watch the kids for a while, you go be with your husband and try to work through things.” Laf said. Eliza pulled the both of them into a hug. “You guys are saints.” She said. She did feel guilty about the thought of locking herself in her room, but that’s what everyone else seemed to be doing. 

\---------------------------------------------------------

“Alexander, where are you?” Eliza called out when she got to her bedroom. “Bathtub.” She heard in response. The bathroom door was ajar, and Eliza went in, Alexander was in the bathtub, his iPad in hand with a video playing, and he had on his glasses that were fogged up from the warm water. He looked up at Eliza. “There’s room for one more, y’know.” Eliza smiled her gentle smile at him before taking off her clothes and getting into the tub with him. “Adrienne and Gil are watching the kids.”  
“I love them.” Alexander said. 

“What are you watching?” She asked as she rested her head against Alexander’s chest and the warm water enveloped most of her frame.  
He paused the video. “Scandal. I’ve never gotten around watching it, it’s pretty good so far. A little politically inaccurate, but good.” He resumed the episode, they snuggled in the bath, watching Olivia Pope fuck the President or something, until the water turned cold. That’s when they moved the cuddling to their bed. Still naked and damp, Eliza had her body pressed against Alexander’s. “I wish everything was normal.” Her voice was barely a whisper. “I just want to pretend that this is all some sort of sick dream I’m having, and all I have to do is wake up, and there’ll be a text from Phillip waiting on my phone saying ‘Good morning Mommy’ like he used to send me, and the kids would all be loud and throwing things and bickering just like they used to do. And you wouldn’t be going through some downward spiral and I would have control over my family again.” Eliza’s chest heaved with sobs, her husband held her tight.  
“It’s not fair, I miss him so much and now he’s gone and I can never have him back!”  
“I know. I still see him sometimes and hurts so bad, because then I realize he’s not really there.” Alexander confessed.  
“I think it would be best if we all saw a therapist. As a family.” Eliza had picked her head up and looked at her husband with puffy eyes. “Betsey, I don’t know, I mean, this is grief we’re talking about, we can’t cure our grief.”  
“I’m not saying we cure it. It’s just, we need help so we can grieve in a healthy way. This is just so painful. I want the two of us to be able to be strong for the kids. They’re going through a lot right now and I just want to be able to be there for all seven of them.” Eliza buried her face into the crook of Alexander’s neck and let out a shaky breath.

 

Alexander couldn’t find it in his heart to correct Eliza and say that there were only six of them now.

\------------------------------------------------

“The little ones are taking naps, and William is doing okay, I think.” Gil reported to their wife as they sat next to each other on the couch. They decided to divide the kids up to take care of them. “How’s Alex, James, and Angie?” They asked.  
“Alex is a little concerned for everyone, though I think he’ll be okay. James is distracting himself the best he can. Angie actually surprised me,” Adrienne said. “She wanted me to go to the store with her and buy stuff to make brownies with blue frosting. She was very specific about that.”  
“I’ll keep an eye on everyone while you girls go to the store, and please save me a brownie.” Gilbert kissed their wife’s cheeks and Adrienne stood to go upstairs and get Angie.  
“No one ever saves me brownies,” Gilbert said to themself when Adrienne disappeared up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh also you'll get to see one of my fav character's next chapter. I'll give you a hint: so far, he hasn't been in the fic where it happens


End file.
